Happy Monday Purgators!
We finally coerced one of our besties to write a post for us. We are SO excited to have Roxanne* (and the help of one of her GF’s) writing her very REAL reflection on her dating experiences. Roxanne has the biggest heart and even bigger boobs. Her post literally had us in stitches from laughing so hard. These are all things anyone can relate to on dating apps, but especially on Tinder. Without further ado, here is Roxanne’s accurate representation of Tinder!
The girl that should have never gone on Tinder did…this is the funny and astonishing things she learnt. AKA the she is me. Big gulp. AKA my ego, (if I ever had one) is definitely gone now with publicly declaring that I was on this app. But no ego right?…let’s go:
1. You will 100% see people you know on Tinder. You can either see this as super awkward, or swipe right and use this as a chance to talk with them and see how they are doing, thinking that if you make it awkward it is awkward… AKA I did both, it’s still awkward…both ways.
2. Once you match up with a guy, you’ll realize many of them really aren’t what you originally thought. And because of this…
3.…you won’t interact with 75% of the guys you’ve matched with. Seriously.
4. Grammar and spelling are simple values you forget about cause when a guy finally texts with proper grammar and spelling OMG, you kinda automatically think they are hot.
5. You’ll swipe left so many times in a row that when it changes to a guy you find hot, you proceed to scream, “NOOOOO!” cause you swiped left in the momentum of it all (I know…insert note to self “you are so not like that here”) which leads to…
6. You’ll feel extremely superficial using Tinder (it is, after all, mainly based on looks)
7. You’ll feel extremely superficial using Tinder …and again…
8. You’ll feel extremely superficial using Tinder and then after a while, you’re like pfft, I don’t care, because…
9. It’s a game With the icon, ‘keep playing’. Kid not. Because, like really… love? Well Love IS a game now.
10. Then you realize it’s really fun to play when you’re drunk, bored, or hungover. It also is really fun for your friends to play for you when they are drunk, bored or hungover. Irony.
11. And because of that irony, you might somehow make a tinder drinking game. Take a drink if he is shirtless and flexing. Give a drink if he is at the gym taking a picture of himself in the mirror. If the profile picture is a group of friends, each one has to pick who they think he is, then drink to each picture after while figuring it out. If there is a dog or tattoo or kid the person to the left drinks. If it is a blurred picture everyone drinks. If you think he is lying about his age and all agree, you can save it for a pass later… which leads me to
12. A lot of guys will lie about their age. At least some of them put in their real age in their bio, with the I’m actually 45 not 30 like it says. I guess they don’t know how to change it; let’s give them the benefit of doubt?
13. There are married men on Tinder. Yeah I know!! And the amount of “we’re looking for a threesome”, you’ll get. OR better yet ones like, “I’m happily married but in an open relationship where we can have fun elsewhere…you seem fun” will gawd smack you.
14. There are Dads on Tinder claiming they aren’t Dads. Insert second Yeah I know!! They obviously forget that Tinder takes their facebook profile pictures and uses them. Be proud to be a Dad yo! Greatest job in life! Tinder is not your alter ego of a man you want to be. Mic dropped; rant over…going on.
15. You get every lame pick up line and some will make you laugh at the thought that someone would actually say that (or text in this regard) and then you might cut and paste them to friends with the, “just got this one…” or “is he implying his cereal is his dick?” And just when you think there is nothing more surprising…
16. You get penis pictures. A lot. Like A LOT. Like…WTF people!!!! (insert: Mom close your eyes, you didn’t read this…too late, I put this in the wrong order. SHIT. I’ll explain later)
17. If they are here on vacation and ask you to show them around in their bio, don’t actually believe they want to see in our City. Props to my friend for enlighten me on this. Good learning stuff people.
18. Don’t use Tinder to find love. Because let’s face it, it’s the straight version of Grindr.
19. But if you do it with a light heart and have a good sense of humour, it can be quite fun; you’ll get huge flowers sent to your work, go to hockey games and concerts and lunches and dinner and go out for drinks and meet a lot of really nice guys.