Happy Friday Purgators!
I’ve finally come to the end of my short but sweet dating history and if you’ve been following this blog since the beginning you may have noticed that I have not been in a long term, committed relationship.
Many people find this little known fact to be quite surprising and when I think about it I generally feel a mix of content and frustration. I’m content because I honestly do love being single and because of the great amount of time I have spent as an independent woman I have had the opportunity to gain a clear understanding of my true self and become fully comfortable with who I am as a person.
There is a yin to my lack of relationship yang and that is my inner fear of commitment, more specifically my fear of opening myself up to someone knowing there is a chance of getting hurt.
When I look back at why I have this deep fear of getting hurt it all stems back to one guy, my first love (who didn’t love me back) Tim*.
To give you a quick idea of my background and what led me to Tim, I grew up in a religious family and spent most of my spare time at church. When it came time to graduate high school I decided to move across the country to attend a church affiliated private college. If there is one thing you should know about these types of colleges it’s that the majority of people there are looking for a spouse. The mantra floating around when I arrived was “ring by spring” so I’m sure you can imagine the scent of desperation was thick in the air. Although I didn’t outright admit it, I too (at the ripe old age of 18) was secretly hoping I would meet Mr. Right at this school.
My cousin Ryan had also moved across country to attend the same school and since we lived in the same house we adopted many of the same friends. One of his close friends was a guy who instantly caught my eye, yes it was Tim. Tim had deep brown eyes that were drool worthy and just an overall nice looking guy. We became close friends and started spending more and more time together. I found myself opening up to Tim and feeling comfortable talking about anything and everything with him and vice versa.
Eventually reading week rolled around and Tim decided to book a flight with me to visit my family back home for the week. I was so excited, I (along with all my friends and family) thought this was it, he would finally profess his love for me on this trip and we’d live happily ever after.
The week was going amazing, we spent a lot of our time exploring my city and I was super excited to invite some of my closest friends/cousins along on our outings. Tim got along great with my cousins which made me so happy, it’s great to see your future husband like your family (lol) — maybe a little too much in my case. Little did I know, while Tim was the only thing I could think about, my best friend/cousin had caught his attention.
One evening after hosting a group of friends (including best friend/cousin) at my house for a movie night, Tim and I were laying on his bed reminiscing on some highlights from his trip as he was leaving the next day. We were chatting and laughing when all of the sudden he got quiet.
“Can I tell you something?” he asked.
Oh my gosh! This was it. He was finally going to ask me to be his girlfriend. My heart was pounding and I had a huge grin on my face.
“Of coarse, you can tell me anything” I responded.
“I think I like your cousin” he told me.
Right then and there my heart dropped and a wave of heartbreak hit me. I choked back the tears and tried to act happy about his major revelation. The clincher to this story, my sister was laying in her bed in the room next door and heard the whole painful encounter. She still remembers it to this day.
I quickly ended the conversation and ran upstairs to the washroom where I cried until I had nothing left to cry.
The next day at the airport as I was hugging Tim goodbye, he handed me a letter. Could this be a letter explaining he made a major mistake and that in fact I was the girl of his dreams?
“Can you give this letter to your cousin? I didn’t have the chance to tell her how I feel in person.”
Looking back on the whole scenario, if he would have handed me that letter today I probably would have torn it up as soon as he turned his back and thrown it in the garbage (harsh but true, he turned out to be a bit of an asshole). At the time though, I hoped that maybe through my willingness to help him with his quest for my cousin maybe he would see how much of a catch I was, so I delivered the note to my cousin.
This experience is one that will stick with me forever, even almost ten years later I can still remember details as if it was yesterday. Tim has moved on (not with my cousin) and so have I (he wouldn’t have been the right guy for me anyways, knowing what I know now) but there is still a part of me that is terrified to let myself open up like I did with Tim in fear of getting hurt like that again.
Takeaway Message: Once you’ve been friend zoned by the “love of your life” as the story tells, there’s no going back. His feelings are not going to change, he isn’t going to realize how amazing of a woman you are no matter what you do or hard you try. Don’t continue to put all your eggs in one basket when the only thing it will lead to is heartbreak. Once you come to the realization that you’ve been friend zoned it’s safer for your heart and your mind to move on and just allow fate to take its course.