Happy Friday Purgators!
Before I get started there are a few things you should know about the blog and more specifically me,
1. I never write alone. The Blonde and I write all of our stories together. I do not consider myself a writer and sometimes I have a hard time putting my thoughts into words, this is where The Blonde comes in – my wing woman in all senses of the word.
The story I’m about to tell you is different though. I am sitting here alone on a Sunday night drinking wine, with a face mask on and decided I needed to write this story out for myself. Now you might be wondering why? Well my friends, the reason being is this story is still fresh, it still stings to talk about and its one I am not sure I could get through without tears. Much better to write it by myself…right?
2. I am a mother for all intent purposes, my mom said I was a mom when I came out of the womb. My friends consider me the mom of our group and I take that name with pride. I have motherly instincts that never leave me. I share my “motherly wisdom” *cough opinion cough* whenever I deem necessary and do not feel bad or worried if I have hurt someones feelings, mostly because it comes from a place of true love and care. I am sure The Blonde and all my friends for that matter would disagree sometimes but at the end of the day, they know I love them and only say the things I say because I care.
You might be confused as to why I am telling you this, but I promise it will all come to play in my story.
3. The final thing you should know about me is I have no problem saying no. I do not suffer from FOMO or wishing I did something that I didn’t do. When I make my mind up about something, I have no problem sticking to it. There are very few people in my life that I can’t say no to, the only three that come to mind are my sister, my grandma and the lovely gentleman this story is about, Daniel*.
Daniel and I met on OK Cupid. I had my eye on him from the start. I had matched with him over a year ago and we chatted, things fizzled, he de-activated his account, but whenever he came back on my eyes would always gravitate towards him. Something about his ginger coloured hair, light eyes and smile lines for days did it for me. This went on a couple times, either myself de-activating my account or him deactivating his. November 2015 rolled around and that’s when we finally exchanged numbers and kept chatting. There was definite chemistry, the kind where you get excited when you see their name pop up on your phone and even more excited when you knew you would be seeing each other.
He suggested a breakfast date and I was happily agreed. I could tell the minute we met there was this intense chemistry, it was almost to the point you could taste it, it was like two magnets drawn together. I had to end the date earlier than I would have liked on account of the cable guy coming (no joke). He was disappointed but understood and we both said “lets do it again” (is that a song?).
Fast forward to two days later and I wind up at his place. I went in with the mindset of us not sleeping together and that we were just going to hang out… one thing lead to another and we did end up sleeping together. We both couldn’t keep our hands off each other, I knew I was in for some trouble.
Things progressed from there, we chatted on the phone, we text all day. Until one day when I didn’t hear from him and then two days and then…well you get the picture. I had been ghosted. I couldn’t understand how someone I had so much chemistry would do this to me. I had my cry, picked my big girl pants up and moved on. I wasn’t going to waste my time on someone who wouldn’t waste their time on me.
February 2016, I am doing my daily catch up on OK Cupid, responding to messages. It is early in the morning, maybe around 8 am and up pops a message from Daniel, apologizing. OOF. Those butterflies came back and my heart started beating as fast as my fingers were texting The Blonde saying “OMG GUESS WHO JUST MESSAGED ME.”
I responded to the messages accepting his apology and hearing him out in his explanation, I am one to forgive easily but not forget. He was going on about second chances and a part of me really wanted to give him one. There is something to be said for second chances, in the right context of course. I agreed to a phone call and conversation about what would happen going forward (if there would be a going forward) and he eagerly agreed.
I was cautious, I did not open myself up completely, I was definitely guarded. I didn’t want to have my heart hurt again, I am too logical for that. We chatted on the phone and decided we would meet up on the Saturday to hang out, go skating and see where the day took us. That is before I got pulled into the magnetic force field again. Before I knew it I was on my way over to his place again, ugh.
We had a great time, as we had before but something was different. His need was greater than I could understand. He wanted to push me, maybe to break down the wall, maybe to push me away, to this day I don’t know. He didn’t know boundaries that’s for sure. He began to tickle me and I asked him to stop. I asked him to stop again, and again, and before I knew it I was in tears. How can tickling lead someone to tears? Well the only way I can explain it is that I felt violated. I was asking him to stop and he wouldn’t. I felt like I had no control and my words meant nothing to him. I packed up my stuff, wiped away my tears and left his place. I tried to touch base to have some closure to the situation as I hate nothing more than leaving things open ended. He refused to have a conversation with me. He was mad at me?! After he treated me the way he did? After me saying stop I wasn’t having fun? It blew my mind but I let it go. I deleted his number and thought that was the end of Daniel.
This brings me to present day, Good Friday in fact. I was up early after being sick, on antibiotics and not able to sleep properly. I woke up to a text from a number I recognized saying “Hey Brunette, how is it going?” WTF!
Now here is where you’re going to think “she would never text him back, not after the way he treated her and the things he did to her.” Well, I wish I could say the same. I asked him what he wanted. He said (and I know it’s true, despite a lot of things) that he had no one else to talk to and he was going through a rough time. I said I couldn’t be that person for him and I wished him all the best, but it kept going. We talked on the phone for two hours while I said “no” and he said “please” back and forth. I could tell something was wrong, I knew he suffered from severe inner demons and a part of me would have felt really horrible if someone reached out and needed help and I denied that.
Call me naive, call me stupid. He came over, we hung out, watched a movie, talked for hours and just cuddled. I quizzed him on depression as I have been in that mental state before. I could tell he was unhappy.
After that day of hanging out, he tried to fuck off again not talk to me. I said my piece and told him how disappointed I was that he used me for his own gains and didn’t have a care about my feelings, he agreed but I knew there was nothing he could do or say to change that because he is selfish. He did disclose that he was contemplating suicide that night previous to us hanging out and that I saved him and that he would never be able to repay me for what I did for him. Maybe it’s true, maybe it’s not. In my mind, I hope it was because I feel like he used me. I feel used because I am compassionate and I feel used because he knew I couldn’t say no to him.
I am happy to report Daniel is moving to another province and I feel relief because I know if he continued to live in our city, this horrible self-sabotage that I am causing myself would not stop.
Takeaway Message: It is SO easy to get caught up in the feelings of lust and want. We all have those people we fall weak for, it doesn’t make us bad/stupid people, it just makes us human. I know eventually I will look on this relationship as a lesson, right now it still hurts.